For a long time I wanted to be a man who worked
in a slaughterhouse
with the big axe and the wide knives.
I wanted to be a man who pushed the steer in as a steer
then hauled it out
as a T-bone, a rack of ribs,
a half a pound of ground beef.
These were the days when I lived in the city and hated the line of supermarkets
that ran up and down Dean
with the cockroach-infested aisles.
How would it have been to kill my own food
in the meatpacking mission south of 14th?
To smell the blood, taste the fat, finger the guts?
Better yet, run through the hills of Flatbush and Canarsie
bows and arrows
to crouch in the bush
I don’t know how those Native Americans, those wide-eyed
Davy Crockett-type trappers did it.
I read once that if you knew your food before you killed it,
it sang to you in the belly.
Now, I can’t even imagine putting a seed in the earth.
I can’t fathom a day when I might cast a line into the Wallkill River
to pull me out a rainbow trout, filet the sucker, toss it over an open grill
Now, I love the supermarket,
The Whole Foods with its Haitian cashiers and bad-ass Mexicans
who work the prepared food counter.
I put my face into the cheese counter and inhale,
take lion breaths, like I was at yoga
with all those ferocious Newton ladies in their hot spandex and cleanly shaved armpits.
The Whole Foods destroys my manhood or any desire I might have ever had
to be that kind of butcher, that baker, that sweet dick willy wagoneer.
It cuts me off at the stomach, opens me up and pours in
the fair trade organic,
the macrobiotic basmati,
the grass-fed rib eye that I should have slaughtered myself
if I had only the muscle and wasn’t so goddamn scared.
Later, at my picnic table—
the steak perfectly marinated—
it occurs to me that my whole country
has been killed by my Whole Foods
and that there is nothing whole
about a stalk of broccoli shipped in from Bali
even though it has that beautiful purple sticker which reads,
So, I make my lion breaths deep and low,
smile at the bloody cut
then chew my American chew, quick, fast,
full of buffoonery,
sloppy with the happy fat.